My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize