I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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