I think im going to throw up on grandma
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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