How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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