I think I died a long time ago.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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