I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize