All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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