Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
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Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
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I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
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