God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
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On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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