i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
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When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
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We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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