ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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