I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
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The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
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You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
my liver is dry heaving
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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