We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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