I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
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There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
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The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If I die, sorry about rent.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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