Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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