Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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