There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
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Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
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i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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