the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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