i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
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I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
is that a dick in a sweater?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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