At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
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He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
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Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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