giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
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I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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