i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize