fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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