I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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