Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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