Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
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Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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