I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize