If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
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Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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