I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
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You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
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Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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