I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize