I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
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His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
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The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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