Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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