Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
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I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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