If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
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An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
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He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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