According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
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If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
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We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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