You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
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We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
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He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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