Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize