so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
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Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
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i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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