I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize