Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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