I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
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while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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