if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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