the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
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Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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