Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
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You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
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Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I need a beard to bite.
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