if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize