You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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