every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize