So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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