you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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