I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
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She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
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He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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